What keeps you from unconditional self-acceptance in the face of yourself and others?

by Vic Shayne
author
The Self is a Belief: The idea that causes suffering

I’ve written a number of times about the egoic mind that is at the center of all these issues of suffering, so I won’t go too deeply defining it except to say this: The egoic mind is a mind that is influenced since infancy by parents, religion, teachers, authority figures, culture, relatives, and so on. It is created by a bundle of thoughts and is not real. It changes over and over again, but there is a “you” who does not change and notices this sense of self which is the egoic mind. This particular “you” does not need anything because it is already complete.

Existing in a closed system
The egoic self speaks to itself; it is self-referring in a closed system. The egoic self, this sense of who you think you are as an individual person with manifold identities, works on itself and yet does not realize that it is still stuck within itself. We hear these sentiments all the time, frequently coming from us: I will try to be better, I am working on it, I have changed, I am not myself today, I am happier now, I want to be happy, I can take care of myself, I am working on not suffering any more, and so on.

I am trying to manage me
The factor that interferes with choosing to have unconditional self-acceptance” is the egoic self, the sense of “I” or “me.” This is because the egoic mind is both the one in need of self-acceptance as well as the one trying to fix the problem and bestow the self a sense of acceptance. This egoic self wants everything to be fine, feel good about itself and be happy. It wants pleasure and wants to avoid pain, so it tries hard to be accepted by others; and when it is not it becomes disappointed, depressed, angry, anxious, and so on. This is a case of “I am trying to manage ‘me.’”

But who is this “me” and who is the one who is trying to do the managing? They are both the same sense of self.

The egoic self is the wrong tool
Now, what do you do about this? Obviously, if this sense of self is the source of the problem then it is not the correct tool to fix the problem. It is like being robbed and then asking the thief to help punish the criminal. So you have to go outside of this system of the egoic self.

To go outside of the egoic self you must first observe what it is so you know it very well, including all of its tendencies, thoughts, actions, ideas, memories, and conflicts. All of this becomes apparent through observation without judgment. If you judge then again you are involving the egoic mind in the process and will get nowhere with it except perhaps temporarily (this is how positive thinking works and why it fails).

When you observe what this egoic mind is then you realize it is the sum total of all psychological influences, experiences, thoughts, memories, ideas, and so on. This leads to a realization that there is no one, no thing, no person, no egoic self that really exists and therefore the subject of acceptance becomes moot and dissipates like any other thought.