Understanding the ‘I am’
by Vic Shayne
author
13 Pillars of Enlightenment
The Old Testament begins with the sentence “I am that I am.” To some, perhaps most, this is an enigmatic statement. To some it’s a proclamation by an all-powerful and superior God that he exists unchallenged and all-important. But to others, perhaps only a few, the statement is one of consciousness that cannot be described in words. We can say, “I am,” but other than this there is no description of what we are. Since we are all consciousness wearing different bodies, so to speak, then how do we go about saying who we really are? We can say things about consciousness, but we cannot actually describe it. Thus, we cannot really describe what we are at the core, as consciousness as well as what pre-exists consciousness.
A friend asked me two simple questions that are loaded with meaning: “If the ‘I AM’ resides in the body, is it the ‘I AM’ that keeps the physical body alive?
Do you agree that the ‘I AM’ is the force in the body, the witness and the supreme?”
Knowledge has nothing to do with observation
I would preface what I am about to write with the possibility that gurus may reply that we should not bother with these sorts of ideas, explanations, concerns, or definitions. However, in my own experience I found it helpful to understand the cosmology of things so that I could focus on my self, trying to get to the bottom of what I am.
Ultimately, knowledge has nothing to do with finding who you are at the core. Similarly, if you are looking on the ground for something, knowledge does not help you observe it. It is the observation itself that is all-important. Having said that, I hope to answer these two questions…
Consciousness and the ‘I am’
The “I am” is consciousness, the Self (with a capital “S”). It is the point prior to any subject placed on the end of this statement. It always exists. When we add the subject onto the “I am” then it turns the “I am” into the egoic self.
I wrote that consciousness always exists, and I’ll clarify… You can walk into your kitchen and do all sorts of things — cook, clean, get a snack, open a drawer or cabinet, etc. Then you can stop and realize that you are in the kitchen. The kitchen has been there all along; it was never not present. While you are busy focusing on all the things within the kitchen you are unaware that the kitchen as a whole system is ever-present. This is analogous to the relationship between the mind and consciousness. The mind may witness all of the parts of the kitchen without any awareness of the kitchen itself, or the mind may behold the whole kitchen. But it is the conditioned mind that believes that the kitchen is no more than the parts, without any awareness of the whole.
Two aspects of one mind
We are examining two aspects of mind: the mind as an instrument of knowing and sensing, and the mind that has been psychologically conditioned to believe that it is an individual, separate entity. In actuality, there is only one mind. When we remove all of the conditioning then we find what has always been here — the totality of consciousness. But we have been conditioned, trained, to see what we have been taught to see rather than what is actually here.
There is no other word for the Self or the self
The word “I” is problematic, linguistically. This is because there is no way to convey the idea of a sense of the source that is experiencing itself. We usually think of the “I” as an individual, which is the egoic self, but when we are discussing the “I am” that is unalloyed, then it refers to the Self of consciousness. Thus, yes, the “I am” keeps the body alive, as it does for every body and every thing. But it does not only keep the body alive, it is the body itself; it is the essential function, form, and constitution of the body. And it is all other bodies.
Consciousness needs a body to is experience itself; the mind breaks this holistic experience of consciousness — the totality of it all — into fragments for practical use.
All is within consciousness except for the silent stillness that precedes all movement, thought, and expression. Therefore, the “I am” is not the supreme; it is only the supreme of existence, but the Absolute of silent stillness is a stateless state that has no description or even form, and this is the supreme reality that never changes and is never affected.
The birds fly, but the sky remains unaffected
We can use the analogy of birds flying through the sky. The birds move along; they appear and then disappear, but the sky remains unmoved and unaffected. The clouds, too, come and go, but the sky remains fixed and unaffected. We can say the same about space — not outer space, but rather the space that occupies everything; it is the Absolute that has no description and is eternal, boundless, infinite, and without qualities. If you close your eyes and shut out some of the distraction of sight, then you will notice this space that remains as thoughts come and go. We cannot even say the Absolute exists, because it is prior to existence. This is the supreme state as far as I have experienced. Nisargadatta’s guru, Siddharameshwar, talks about this in his book Amrut Laya.
What is the witness?
The witness may or may not be the egoic (conditioned) mind. “Witness” is a tricky word and is often misunderstood by those who do not understand as they repeat the ideas of others. The Self, the “I am,” is the witness regardless of whether the egoic mind is involved or is in operation. Sometimes I think of the egoic mind (which is the conditioned sense of a self that is made of an accretion of thoughts to which it identifies) as a veil over consciousness. This is an awkward analogy at best. Consciousness ever exists, yet it has an overlay of the egoic conditioning, which means that consciousness fixates upon the thoughts through the conditioned mind instead of using the mind as an instrument to see clearly what exists as a whole movement of existence.
There is a relationship between the witness and what is witnessed, which is the seer and the seen. The egoic mind separates the two, because it is the nature of the mind to do so.
More about the mind
The mind is an instrument that allows us to enjoy, think, invent, create, play in, work in, and navigate this world of form, phenomena, and expression; and so it must fragment this world that is really a singular movement of consciousness into pieces so that it can apperceive and operate. This is the mechanism by which consciousness can experience itself in all its glory. When we simply take in the whole picture of consciousness without any fixation or thought, then the witness is consciousness itself.
The mind (not the egoic mind) is the instrument that is used to apperceive. But we have to be careful, because the egoic mind will play games and start telling us that it has “found it.” It is this egoic mind that proclaims that it has been enlightened, yet the mind can never become enlightened, because it is a shadow, a belief that is only made of ephemeral thoughts, ideas, memories, experiences, and all else that is impermanent. Even when the totality of consciousness is realized, the egoic mind is wont to jump back in with thoughts, ideas, and claims. This is why it is so often repeated that we must just “be,” because “to be” is being the consciousness that you actually are without the egoic self.
Words of a sage
Swami Satyananda Saraswati said, “When the mind is silent and peaceful it becomes very powerful. It can become a receptor of bliss and wisdom enabling life to become a spontaneous flow and expression of joy and harmony. However…this inner silence cannot arise while there is a continual stream of disturbing thoughts and emotions. All this inner noise of thoughts and emotions has to be removed before one can truly experience the soundless sound of inner silence.”
